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Dec 3, 2009

My Queens


We have visited the subject of black love and dating here on On the Road to Queendom and I have made my position very clear. In case you are new and need to know it is the following:

While I am proud and love who I am I embrace all of God's creations. I simply believe in love, no matter the race, creed, or color. It just so happens I fell head over heels with and have married my equal, a beautiful black King.

My ideology came at a price while dating. I lived for quite some time in the South where there is still a lot of prejudice and segregation. I have dated outside of my race while living there and have received all kind of flack, black on black prejudice and some more. But I stand firm in my beliefs. I have had friends tell me that I was a sell out for dating outside of my race, and that I should wait for a good black man. I could not wrap my head around this. Why should I sacrifice a good date, going bowling, to the movies, out to eat simply because the man isn't black? I just shrugged it off and kept on stepping.

Now fast forward to 2009, here is a long list populated by afieldnegro.com that lists the majority of black men who are dating or married to non-black women. I don't see anything wrong with it but it is shocking to see the pattern. I commend afieldnegro.com for putting this list together, and opening up the floor on this subject.

I want to ask you about how you feel about this? Are some of you still adamant about only dating black men? Let's discuss this...



Stay Blessed & Happy Locing!

20 comments:

B said...

*sigh*

I scrolled through this with a few of my girls just now and we all felt discouraged.

"Why don't Black men love Black women?" one of my friends asked.

Love is love and that's all well and good but mannnn....

Anonymous said...

i have only dated black men. the reason is simple, it's my preference. as i get older i am more open to dating outside my race (latino) I haven't moved to white yet -- it'll take some time. but i want a black husband. to each his own and my own is a black hubby.

Writing Addict said...

B do not be discourage ok? Its not all black men, this is only a small population. It is my hope they don't date nor wife other than black downing their own. If they just happened to fall in love then its all good. Nothing is worst than looking down on your own.

Trust me there are a ton of black men very much in love with us as black women. But we must be open to that love.

Anonynomous...it is good you are open, but remember who God has for you, is who HE has for you not of your own choosing. Stay open to love.

Nickelicious said...

I am only attracted to black men in that way. Don't get me wrong, I have seen handsome white men, but the attraction just isn't there. It is something about a chocolate bar that I just can't resist. Even white chocolate (light skinned brothers) LOL.

Nickelicious said...

OMG- I don't really keep up with the celebrity news- and this list was definitely news to me. I had no idea that some of the men I love had white wives or girlfriends. I am in a complete shock right now. I had responded to this article before clicking on the list......I don't believe for one minute that all of these men just happen to "fall in love" with these women of different races. A few may have, but some of these men have simply turned on their own. It's a low down dirty shame.

Anonymous said...

I agree-this was kind of shocking. Kind of. Writing Addict, I am with you, I think love is love no matter what the color. But in my experience, many times white women get with these atheletes and 'successful types' because of what they can get. Granted, black women do this too, but white women have it down to a science. White women are aggressive when getting what they want and when they want financial security, it does not matter what color the man is-they go for it. Again, this is my personal experience-what I have seen over and over again. Let me give you an example-I worked at one of the Hard Rock casinos for years. When a black athelete came in, the white women were out in full force. I actually would see them following the atheletes telling them what they would do for them-like straight up prostitutes! It was unbelievable. Of course there was a couple of sisters here and there, but nothing like the white women population. So, let me break it down like this-men are men. Men love attention and love to have their egos stroked. So, depending on who does this better..well you should get the picture by now. Black men are beautiful, but if a man is a good man and will treat you and the fam the correct way, I say go for it no matter what the color. Life is way too short. Do not be discouraged if a black man looks the other way. Pray and keep your head up. Love always comes right on time.

elle said...

It is one thing to date interracially
and another to date interracially out of self hate.
I am 16 and currently dating a white boy for the simple fact that I find him attractive and he has a lot of qualities that I like.
My aunt who is close to my age [19] refuses to date black men calls them n-word this and n-word that and hates her hair texture and is proud of her lighter skin and only dates everyother race out of self hate and its disgusting to see.
Boys are boys to me; all are capable of doing the worst and all are capbale of being the best.

Writing Addict said...

Anonymous (why are you anonymous anyways? LOL) you are so right. I totally feel you and have witnessed the same thing out here over and over here in Las Vegas. I agree they have it down to a science as most get groomed from an early age what to seek out in a mate. However, you really hit the nail on the head about what men want with getting their egos stroked. I know this from experience. Still, do you see any negative dating trends that perhaps black women are doing in your opinion which could be better? Are our women driving our men away? Oh yea, very eloquently put!

Elle, look at you such a little lady already with a great head on your shoulders at 16 years old. Where did you get this wisdom? Did someone teach you these things? I agree wholeheartedly that it is disgusting to see people date outside of their race due to self hatred. This is what I am seeing a lot of when it comes to black men.

True Naturalista said...

I decided to go to this website and to me, a black woman, it is very discouraging. This website praises black men who date/marry women outside of their race. Black men need to appreciate themselves so they can, in return, appreciate black women.

Writing Addict said...

Hey Tue Naturalista,

I don't think the website is praising the men, they are in turn opening the floor for rhetoric between black people. They are only trying to gain an understanding about it. But yes, I do agree with you that black men need to start appreciating black women and their beauty more.

Melinda said...

Here is MY take on the issue; I could make the customary "politically correct" statement of "oh, love is love, in any color, wherever you find love blah, blah, blah...but what do I have to loose, u guys don't know me so here goes. I don't like it, It seems as though once a black man makes it "big" and has some buying power, the very first thing that he does is "buy" him a white woman as then he is then in a position by virtue of his "status" to "qualify" for the once forbiden fruit!! And we, as black women, r not suppose to feel badly or have our self esteem somewhat affected by this?? And this brings up a whole notha issue when dealing with black women and our hair, oh lawd don't eeeevvven get me started on that!!!

Writing Addict said...

*Giggles* I aint mad at you at all Melinda. I understand your take and where you are coming from trust me I do. You are entitled to your opinion and I respect you whole heatedly on this. I am just wondering if we as black women should investigate this a little further or should we just turn the other cheek and forget about it?

Melinda said...

I wish I had the answers to what to do to get "OUR" men back. They, like us, have been brainwashed into thinking that this lighter, the straighter, the better,it is so very unfortunate but unfortunately true. It took hundreds of years for us as a race and culture of people to get here, the place of such blindness, it is not going 2 b un-taught in 2-3 years, we have, in fact, been sooo MIS-EDUCATED!

Naturigurl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Naturigurl said...

Maybe I'm wrong in saying this and I might get shot down for this but black men do not belong to us plain and simple. Just as we black women aren't owned by anyone either. Your preference is your preference but your doing yourself a great disservice when you limit yourself to one kind of man even if its just for a fun little date. Nothing wrong with tasting something different for some experience now and again. Personally I think Black men date outside their race for a multitude of reasons IMHO one great reason is because its not a crime to do so anymore. Black people have gone through so much all we ever wanted was equality. Many black men equate this equality with successes achieved its only natural that they would want a trophy wife to go with it. At the same time its wrong for them to dog black women out when all we ever do is support them. If they are going to step over race lines they should be more classy about it and stop telling us (BW) we mean nothing to them that's just pure self hatred. I remember when I was young I only considered dating black men I had a hard time because every black man I was interested in would sleep around, had a girl(preferably white or other) or was just plain wrong maybe it was just me (don't know) maybe it was where I live (Canada) nuff black men here..... but this one white guy was very persistent with me. He did everything in his power to impress me and wanted to make me happy. I finally gave him a chance... We've been together for 14 years and Ive never looked back. I still love looking at black men I have no hate for Black men because I have a brother who is black and a father who is black I still love and respect them deeply but I'm in love with the man who chose me. We say we believe in equality and abhor racism but aren't we just setting limits on ourselves under this same agenda. Someone set me right if I'm wrong.


I wish black men would date just for the sake of dating and not for some trophy dime piece. I wish we would be uplifted like so many white women are if we were portrayed in a more positive light like in the media, novels, shows etc then there wouldn't really be a problem. Apparently we are considered to strong nappy headed loud mouthed unfeminine and black in North America. After doing some research (still ongoing) visiting a few web sites I hear that we are actually portrayed in a more positive light every where else. Depending where you live there is still more fish in the sea if your patient and willing to fish.

Anonymous said...

Wow, these comments are really powerful. Well, Writing Addict, I wanted to respond to your thoughts (thank you for starting this dialogue). We all know that in this country, black folks' history empowered and all also profoundly hindered our people. What do Black Men and Women do now to try to correct our issues? Damn, I wish we could just get together and communicate like we are attempting to care for one another. Not as lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends, wives or husbands, but like sisters and brothers who share a common experience, who understand what we go all go through when dealing with society. Could we just discuss all our hang ups, our challenges, and how we can possibly have loving relationships with one another? I'm dreaming, right? I just think this total break down of communication is so sad. I don't believe everyone has some hidden agenda when it comes to seeking out a mate. I still think some of us just want someone to show love and respect and that's pretty much it. Forget bank accounts, hair length, and skin color-ya know? I'm going to speak for myself when I say, yeah, I have definitely have come across as the independant, don't need nobody, angry black woman at times. I've been through some thangs, and I am definitely not perfect-I can be on the defense in a hot second. But, I'm thirty-six years old now and I realize playing games with people's feelings is not cool at all. And, I want my son and daughter to see me as a good person who makes good decisions. In my opinion, Black Men and Black Women share equal responsibility to do better for ourselves. It's hard to recognize your faults and harder to try to do something about them. One day at a time.....

SoSupaStarry said...

im not racist or anything but i am really surprised right now. i didnt kno that "this" was so intense...this is really deep! i honestly dont kno wat to say about it but i did enjoy readin everybodys comments...many of them made me think/wonder.

Knaps said...

It's not fair to sell yourself short based on skin color. Just date you like, love, get along with, or feel comfortable with. Number one - date someone who will treat you right, no matter what color

Anonymous said...

i wouldn't say that you are selling yourself short by only dating blk men. i'm not going to be in a relationship with a black man because he he's black. naw i do have some standards. he must be down for God, his family, and his community. I don't think it's fair to assume that because you date witin your race you are selling yourself short. yea, i understand that black men aren't where white men are -- but which other race is? but there are good black men out there. yeah they may not make what you make or have the education that you have, but they are so out there. and i know that i am more than able to find MY perfect mate within my own race. I don't have no issues with folk dating outside their race just as long as the sole motivations isn't self hate.

Aisha said...

Sometimes I feel like posts such as the one you linked to are used to "bait" Black women into a negative reaction. It's reinforcing the idea that Black men are our only choice and we should be angry and disappointed at all these other women "stealing" our men. This of course puts the balance of power in the men's hands.

The reality is that Black women need to put the focus on themselves and expanding their dating options (if they so choose). Forget about what Black men are doing. Don't worry about why they do what they do. You can't control another person, and you shouldn't want to be with someone who considers you less than another race of women. I think there are plenty of men out there who appreciate Black women, it's just that some may not be Black themselves.

I don't feel angry, disappointed or desperate when it comes to looking for mates because I now view ALL men as potentials. There's plenty of fish in the sea.